Tonight I was lying in bed after PD and I prayed and he had fallen asleep. I desperately needed to talk to God. I haven’t been spending the time talking to Him that is so vital to maintain the life inside. As I lay there talking to Him, and felt His love and His grace and His life welling up like a fountain inside, I was overwhelmed by Him. It still baffles me how He can live inside of us so intensely… so incredibly real. How can He be there, where all my humanity and sinful tendencies lie?? But He is. His forgiveness is so secure. His grace is like an ocean. His love is unfathomable and unquenchable. His conviction is sweet. His LIFE is unending. He is real. He is there. He is not some distant figure who frowns upon us as He waits for us to attain a great measure of holiness before we can feel His Presence. His Presence reaches us when we admit our sinfulness and are honest about how much we need Him. His forgiveness removes our sin far from us and His love overwhelms our weak and faltering hearts. His grace pours over our insecurities and drowns them in the security of Himself. His LIFE resurrects through the death of ourselves… oh, ouch. Perhaps so many of us stop at the forgiveness and receive only little bits of His grace into our hearts at times because we are afraid to feel the pain of death. How often have I done it myself?? How often have I turned my face away from the Spirit of God because my heart was overwhelmed by fears. Oh, Lord, please forgive me for grieving your Spirit at times… for exchanging your LIFE for my fears. I would rather hang on to them because they are so familiar and limiting? But oh, to discover the fountain of joy that erupts when the pain and the death is accomplished within me! Like the little seed who at last lay cracked and splintered to reveal his worthlessness inside, still contracting from the last throes of pain as he surrendered to his fate… Suddenly, from above, the LIGHT shown through into his very heart and with that light came LIFE, beautiful, vibrant life erupting forth, engulfed by the warmth of the Son and straining toward Him with everything he has been given. Thank-you, Jesus!!!
Last night, we visited PD’s parents, and I was searching through the bookshelves for a good book for my daughter to read. I stood there gazing at the wealth of good reading material… so many good books. ‘Faith’. ‘The Gift of Intercession’. ‘Complete in Christ’. ‘A Set Apart Life’. ‘The Purpose Driven Life’. ‘The Grace of God’. ‘The Bondage Breaker’.
Those are not all actual titles, but I am quite certain there was a book for each of those subjects, besides many more. I thought about our little joke about writing books, and how I actually would love to write one sometime if God gives the inspiration and the time. But I realized… another book to stash on our bookshelves would be nice… but even if people read it, and perhaps are even blessed and touched by God because of it, will it really make a difference?? That got me thinking further. What will make the MOST difference? God will. So God can and does use books. But what is the most powerful tool in the hands of God and His people? Perhaps prayer? But even that, will it make a difference unless HE is in it and it is full of HIM and HIS life moving in our hearts towards Himself? So it must absolutely be the work of God for any of these good things to be genuine fruit of His Spirit and Presence in our lives. And what will move Him toward us but prayer… groanings of honesty from our own hearts reaching towards Him in faith? What will move His heart towards His faltering children to strengthen their faith but the prayers of their brothers and sisters?? Is there really time to pour my life into anything else, or to have anything else poured into my life, but prayer??
Tonight… as I lay upon my bed and I thought of all the questions that I have heard coming out of the honest hearts of myself, my husband, my children, and my friends, those questions and groanings gave way to a picture in my mind of a group of hungry children, our arms outstretched and grasping heavenward, our eyes gleaming with tears and incredible hunger… we are reaching for life. We are reaching for Him. Some of us lose our way in the search. We become discouraged by our circumstances, not realizing that the things that make us feel our inadequacies so keenly have been allowed by God in His mercy because He knows they provide the best opportunities for us to find Him. Sometimes we are discouraged by others who have quit their search, or become satisfied in the good things they have found. Some of us turn away from the light to find the answers within ourselves. We raid the resources and intellect God has given us, finding plenty of good theories and raising good questions, trying to analyze them and reach a logical conclusion. Yet we remain unsatisfied, for our conclusions are human, though the very best of humanity there is to be found. It is not enough. Others of us look within ourselves for the beauty we yearn for and we find some… but it doesn’t satisfy and we end up enjoying ourselves and disliking Christianity, but we are still hungry.
While my mind ponders these pictures, my heart is pulsing with Love, Life, and a Joy that cannot be explained. And I wonder… how can what we are searching so earnestly for be so simple, so available to us, yet be so hard to find? I think of how Jesus came, swaddled in humility from the day of His birth. I think of how He walked among men and women, quietly, no big ado, just love… forgiveness… healing… a tenderness beyond what any of us realize. I think of how He was so often silent, but He was God. I think of how He faced the eager religious leaders with sobriety, how He understood their human tendency to see only what was on the outside, and not the heart. Yet He could not condone this, for He looked on the hearts of men. I think of how Jesus received the blessings and worship from sinners, and forgave them. I think of how He ate with the publicans and the harlots, loving them, but never touched by their sin. I think of how He healed the sick, cast out demons… how He expounded the kingdom of God to His disciples in parables, so they could understand. And then, what suffering He endured, cruel accusations, and revilings He was unworthy of. He took it silently, for us, because He loved us. He died. He resurrected!!
That Jesus Christ has made it possible for Himself to dwell within us, to change us into His image, by the Spirit of God. It is Him that we are reaching for! We are yearning for Him. We are seeking Him. He is the LIFE, the LOVE, the FORGIVENESS we all long for. But our hunger for Him will only be satisfied when we choose the path that leads to Him… We need willingness to be buried with baptism in His death and resurrected through His Spirit to LIFE in Christ Jesus. We need willingness to walk in that life, which invariably means death to ourselves. We must accept His will… to be vulnerable and honest before God and man, to not shun the rejection nor fear the misunderstandings of those around us, yes, sometimes those we love the most. We simply must be willing to be like Him, to live like He did.
It sounds so hard. It sounds so… painful to my heart. But as I feel that deep joy welling up and spilling over the agony of death, my heart says AMEN.
“Even so, come, Lord Jesus.”
“Without Me, Ye Can Do Nothing”
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Beauty
