Lord, teach me how to let You love through me fearlessly.  Teach me how to trust You to keep my heart pure and my motives right in every circumstance You allow.  My heart is bleeding, God.  How must Your heart bleed much more.  Here we are, living in America where Christianity has subconciously become a form to many of us.  There are so many faces here, faces that are caught in the swift current of activity and the spoil of instant plenty.  Behind those faces live hearts… so many broken hearts, because of broken lives- broken by sin and the great famine of true love in our land.  Many of those faces have become a facade of happiness… just a facade.  I think of Your Son Jesus, and I know if He would be here, He would be going about touching those hearts with such a profound love that the tears would finally release, and He would bring healing through His eternal love and forgiveness.  Oh, God, how can so much pain and fear and rejection remain buried and uncared for when so many profess Your love with their mouth? 

So please, God, please make us willing vessels of Your love, sanctified and full of Your Spirit and wisdom!  Please make us willing to walk humbly and quietly like Jesus did, and not fear the devil’s darts of suspicion and misunderstanding around us.  Help us to love quietly and deeply, ready at any moment to lay down our life for those You love.  Thank-you so much for Your distinct call to be a friend to sinners.  Thank-you for loving me, a sinner.

In Jesus’ name I offer this prayer…

Looking at that title, I feel a twinge of guilt.  How quickly things can change.  I should admit that yesterday I was just plain grouchy and I didn’t like myself at all.  I don’t know all the whys, but I do know that it was the first day home after a flying trip to PA with just one of my girlies.  The other two were cared for by cousin and aunt at home, so we were all having quite the day blending our lives again yesterday. 

But, after some TLC for all four of us, and some spontaneous tears for all four of us, some nice long naps, and Daddy’s good solid presence in the evening… my heart was once again thankful and dislike for myself just inspired me to gratefulness for Who God is in my life.  And that is why I am out to express joy this morning.

Sometimes I feel like a special needs child in the eyes of God.  I learn slowly and mess up so often, but He never gets impatient with me (unlike me with my girls).  He just loves me and remains what He always is… a strong tower and refuge for my heart to run to and find strength to go on in faith, in spite of circumstances.  He doesn’t deny my sin either, but when my heart is overwhelmed by its fickleness, He stands by with forgiveness in His heart, grace on His lips, and love in His touch.  My heart responds with humble gratitude when I see Him for who He is, and once again, I love Him more deeply than before. 

Thank-you, Lord, from the depths of my heart.  I want to be more like You.

My little cousin has battled with leukemia for 1 1/2 years now. This morning, she got home ahead of us, and is now safe in the arms of Jesus. It’s not hard to imagine her being scooped up in Isaac’s arms as well, and hearing his gentle words, “Hey, what’s going on, little girl? Who are you?” I wonder what he’ll say when he finds out that Janelle’s big cousin was sort of his big sister. I bet he will keep tabs on her just because…

Once again- joy and pain so closely intertwined, they are one…

Please pray for Janelle’s Mommy and Daddy and her brothers and sisters who love and miss her so much (Darren, Rodney, Becky, and Sherilyn).

Click here to see a slideshow of Janelle and her family

A lovely good-morning to the world.  I told PD this morning that I was going to be busy today without time to be on the computer…  I just had to pop in here for a few seconds and say how much I love that man.  Well, I couldn’t really do that.  It would take too long, and words are too cheap at times like this.  But I was looking at his really cute work up there on our header, and just bursting with the joy of his humor.  And I just realized how crazy and full and delightful life really is, living with him and his three intelligent, mud-puddle-loving, summersaulting, life-loving girls.  We are all so not perfect with all our little personality quirks and training potential (at LEAST the girls but especially mama) and plenty of ground to cover on the journey of life with God and each other.  But I’m telling you, we love each other, and that makes all the difference!  On Sunday, I listened with deep admiration to my husband expounding on 1Corinthians 13.  I was so convicted and challenged and blessed with the wisdom of God expressed through His Word and my man.  And I was thankful… thankful for all the things God has done and is doing in our lives to make that a part of us.  Today, even as I realize profoundly how needy my heart is, I want to thank God with all my heart for what He is in our life.  And I want to thank my husband for showing the love of Christ to me.

Especially… when he comes home far too many days to find crumbs all over the floor, laundry half done, clutter not picked up, girlies with hair in their eyes, kittens mewing in the bedrooms, wife looking weary, food still cooking or worse yet, not cooked at all, etc., etc..  but he smiles at us, hugs us and still tells us he loves us. 

Thanks, Honey.  Maybe soon I can make this all up to you.  Thanks for your patience through my sickness, and even when there is simply no excuse.  I love you!! 

So we decided to do a family photo shoot. Not feeling it necessary to hire a professional photographer, we turned to none other than my (little) sister! (And [of course] her gifted and attractive sidekick) This is some of what we got, with the kids and all. They’re really into nature and stuff. I mean REALLY INTO it. So much so that photo shoots go totally and completely against their natural tendencies. We had rocks, sticks, bark, branches, flowers, weeds, and a baby bird involved in the shoot. I am not making this up. And if you notice, ALL of my children are girls. You know – sugar and spice and everything nice!

The girls certainly have a wonderful mama, don’t they?

It was a beautiful day, in more ways than one. I faced this day with some trepidation in my heart. Memories from last year’s church picnic are still vivid- there was such a brilliant gleam of joy in that day for us when Isaac showed up unexpectedly. He was attending summer classes at SMBI in PA… and he suddenly got a brainstorm (the kind only Isaac could produce) to just make a bee line home for the church picnic. I still remember his triumphant little grin… he was so pleased with himself, and we were equally pleased with him.

I wondered if we would feel a weight of sadness at every turn today, since we all knew he could not bee-line-it home from Heaven so easily. I wondered if I would feel like playing ball today or if I would feel more like stretching out in the grass and staring at the sky so far above us to ponder and weep for our loss. I just didn’t know.

It was a gloriously beautiful day. Everyone seemed so precious today, so cherished. I could have spent all day just going from person to person, hugging them and telling them I love them. Don’t worry. I didn’t hug everybody. :) quite…

We played ball and yelled and cheered for each other. We brought each other drinks and told each other how beautiful we were and how much we loved each other. We talked some. We sat in silence together. We sat alone and watched each other. We kissed the kids and snuggled them and loved on them. The guys let the little guys play with them and coached them kindly. Then they left the little fumbly ladies as well as the grand slam ladies get involved and cheered ’em on all the way through. We enjoyed the living today.

We remembered Isaac. We blew the spider webs out of his ball glove and fingered it reverently. We used it to catch balls. We wore pins with his picture, sometimes on the outside, and other times tucked inside our pockets. We hugged his sisters, his mother, and we cheered them on. We loved them. We missed him.

It was a good day. The hours vanished all too quickly. The sun set. We picked up trash, said good-bye and “I love you.” We wished for another day just like today… tomorrow.

Tomorrow is Tuesday, another day to live if God wills. I will awake and thank God for today, for the healing He brought to our hearts just being together.

Isaac, we love you… forever.

I took Esther on a little date the other morning, and no, that’s NOT Coffee she’s drinking.

Heaven… what is it like? Is it a land of floating beings and endless singing with little to do beyond sitting at the feet of Jesus? I don’t think so.

I think of the deepest joys and glimpses of God that He allows into our lives here on earth. I think of the great swelling feelings of ecstacy that rise within when we are having the time of our lives, like when we are hiking through the great outdoors together, enjoying the beauty of God’s creation (one tiny example). I think of the same feelings of bursting joy when we catch the eye of someone we love and understand; or see the bright sparkle in a child’s eyes when we spend time with them, even if it’s just to throw them in the air and catch the giggles pouring out of their heart. What about that same joyful response from within when we hear their observations expressed in the delightful way that only children can? The tender moments of sharing between close friends or partners… usually discovery of our inmost thoughts and feelings that create warm circles around our hearts. What about the lively discourses between us when we stretch our minds to grasp some truth or concept that is almost beyond us? Ooh, I can just feel the joy that wells up inside as my heart leaps up to believe the greatness of God and His love for us. Those are just a few of what I believe are glimpses of Heaven to our hearts. It is a world that is perfect in splendor and beauty, without a trace of sin or hatred, without one battle to be won with the enemy, and without heart-break or loss. I think the most enduring joy we feel on earth is just a taste of what is to come. I can hardly wait.